Kyoniño and Haruniña with the ghost
Don't worry. It looks bad because they're high.
“Aaaaalllll aboard!” Koizumi yelled as he looked out at the SOS Brigade members, plus Sasaki, who Haruhi told Kyon to invite along so they could “get to know each other.” They were all standing on the dock of a wharf in some north-eastern part of Japan, boarding a cruise ship Koizumi’s Organization had prepared.
The sun was shining, and Kyon had to shade his eyes from being blinded from over-exposure to UV rays.
Haruhi, meanwhile, was looking suspiciously at Sasaki, as if she were taking mental notes on her actions and scheming against Sasaki. This was, in fact, what Haruhi was doing at that moment.
What? She’s talking to Mikuru about something! I thought Mikuru was my Barbie! Ooh, that Sasaki’s gonna get it! When I get on that boat, I’m gonna pull the biggest, nastiest prank she’s ever SEEN, and she’ll never think about stealing my SOS Brigade members again!
Haruhi boarded the ship ahead of everybody else, hunched over like an evil henchman.
Naturally, as she passed, Koizumi checked her out slyly.
“Love dat ass, Haruhi. Mind if I slip down to your room later on tonight?” Koizumi asked.
“Ew, gross!” Haruhi took Koizumi and curb-stomped his head against the ship’s railing, knocking him unconscious for the next few hours.
Kyon followed her up onto the ship, thinking very loudly about how crappy everything was.
Mikuru and Yuki, however, were tentatively listening to Sasaki’s long-winded explanation on the functions of the female anatomy.
“… And so, during ovulation, the eggs are released and sit in the uterus for a while, making it possible for—”
“Oh!” Mikuru interjected. “You mean Yolka-Pa-Looza? I thought you guys from this time per—I mean from your region of Japan—called it Yolka-Pa-Looza! ‘Oave-you-lay-shun,’ huh? Guess I can use that term for the next time I get into some hot and heavy ‘Ugandan Square-Dancing!’”
“I see,” Yuki responded mechanically.
“Well, just make sure you don’t get hurt,” Sasaki concluded, as she really had nothing to say to Mikuru about whatever the hell she was going on about.
Mikuru, on the other hand, went on another one of her naughty daydream tangents in her head about some very dirty things, as usual, and boarded the ship, along with Sasaki and Yuki.
The ship began to leave the dock, and Koizumi, who was unconscious, gurgled on the ground subconsciously, but coincidentally, “We set sail!”
On the dock, Kyon’s Sister ran toward the ship in a hurry, carrying lots of luggage and provisions.
“Hey! Guys! Waaaaiiiiiiiit! You forgot me!!! And your stuff! None of you have any of your bags!” she cried, and performed a spectacular running-jump off of the dock to try and make it onto the ship, but she was just an inch off from getting onto it.
With a sickening thud, Kyon’s Sister knocked her head against the side of the cruise-liner, and, thinking she had just come to bid them all “Bon Voyage,” the SOS Brigade and Sasaki waved happily at her until her little body sunk into the ocean forever. Or, at least, until this fan-fiction has ended.
“She’s so cute!” Mikuru said, whilst hugging herself as if she were hugging Kyon’s Sister’s little frame to herself.
Yuki stared blankly back at the dock. “I see.”
Sasaki smiled lightly and walked over to Kyon, who was mumbling about how annoying his little sister was, or whatever.
“My, my, Kyon, she’s really grown, hasn’t she? The last time I saw her, she was only this tall.” Sasaki demonstrated how tall Imouto was by putting her hand out below her own waist. “Now she’s blossomed into a beautiful young adult. I really wish she could have lived to this day.”
Kyon grimaced and said cynically, “She did live to this day. Just not to this minute. Heh. But she’ll be back. She always comes back.”
“Well, that’s great to hear!” Sasaki exclaimed subtly. “Anyway, have you heard of this fantastic Western group known as ‘Hillbilly Allen and the Frankfurter Boys’? They all come from southern America, and they play this genre called ‘white-supremacist country,’ which I haven’t researched yet, but their melodies are absolutely dynamic, and—”
“Sasaki, I don’t care about your stupid Western music. If it’s not in Japanese, then it’s all gorilla sounds to me. Shut your goddamn mouth and stand over there so I can get a good look at you from afar.”
Sasaki followed his orders gleefully and bounced over to Haruhi looking at Koizumi, who was lying on the ground with his head bleeding profusely.
“Hey, Suzumiya-san. I see that you were observing this unconscious guy over here, and—”
“Shut up, thief,” Haruhi snarled at Sasaki. “Go and talk to my friends some more, why don’t you? Maybe they’ll all join some made-up brigade that you—oh, yeah! That’s right! You don’t have a brigade, now, do you?!”
“Well, actually, I—”
“Well, actually my ass. Just go over there are leave me alone.”
Sasaki obeyed like a good little girl and walked over to the ship’s cabin door, smiling easily as she did.
Yes, leave me alone so I can scheme… BWAHAHAHAHA!!!Haruhi screamed in her mind.
At that moment, Arakawa the butler came out from the captain’s quarters, as he was the ship’s captain, and proceeded to inform the brigade that dinner was to be served in an hour, and that they had better get their sorry little hineys down to the mess hall.
“And for God’s sakes,” he roared, “will somebody clean Koizumi up? His head’s fucking bleeding again.”
— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —
Once Koizumi was all cleaned up, they ate dinner in the mess hall. It would be another few hours until he was fully conscious, so everybody else ate his portions for the night.
Nothing else happened at dinner, so they all went exploring on the ship. Conveniently enough, the sunny skies had turned into a violent storm.
Sasaki went with Mikuru and Yuki, and Haruhi took Kyon and Koizumi, who they had dressed in a fetching pair of sunglasses and a turban to keep his lifeless eyes from creeping them out while on their search for mysteries. The turban was to keep the blood down, but we all know that the turban is one of the greatest fashion accessories since BBD earrings, which Haruhi happened to be wearing at that moment.
While Sasaki, Mikuru, and Yuki were looking for whatever, Haruhi brought Kyon and Koizumi to the front of the ship.
“Heh heh heh,” Haruhi laughed. “I have the perfect plan to get rid of Sasaki, Kyon!”
Kyon scowled and groaned, “What?” He hoisted Koizumi to lean against the railing so he wouldn’t have to carry that fat lug around anymore.
“I’m going to put on this ghost costume and scare her, so she’ll never think about coming back to the SOS Brigade to steal my members!”
From her handbag, she produced a sheet with two holes in it.
“Haruhi, there’s a ghost in your purse!” Kyon shouted, as he began to whack at the sheet with Koizumi.
“What the hell are you doing?!” Haruhi screamed. “This is my disguise, dumbass!”
From wherever on the ship that Sasaki and the rest were, Sasaki, using her unrivaled sense of hearing and intuition, heard yelling, and decided to join in on the fun!
“Kyon, stop it! You’re going to stain the sheet with blood!”
Blinded with fear, Kyon continued to smack Koizumi against the sheet. “I’ll save you, Haruhi!”
Sasaki appeared as Haruhi fell backward over the railing.
“Whoo! It’s swimming time!” Sasaki bellowed as she jumped over the railing after Haruhi.
“GBLUGHBGHELPBGLUHMEEEBLUGEGUUUUUHH!” Haruhi gargled. The water raged as Sasaki grabbed onto Haruhi, remembering that she was traumatized by water as a little girl, thus making her unable to swim.
Haruhi was weighed down indefinitely by Sasaki, and as they floated further and further away from the ship, they could barely make out Kyon’s silhouette, shouting at Haruhi, “Don’t worry, Haruhi! The ghost’s gone!”
Everything went black for them after that.
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